Dictionary of Useful Research Phrases:
"It has long been known ..." I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident ..." These data are practically meaningless.
"Of great theoretical and practical importance ..." Interesting to me.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions ..." This was an unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study." The others made no sense.
"Typical results are shown." The best results are shown.
"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones." He was my grad assistant.
"It is believed that ..." I think.
"It is generally believed that ..." A couple of other guys think so, too.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of the phenomenon is possible." I don't understand it.
"Correct within an order of magnitude." Wrong.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate more work in this field." This is a lousy paper, but so are the others in this crummy field.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experimental work and to George Frink for valuable discussions." Blotz did the work, and Frink explained to me what it meant.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data ..." Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"A statistically oriented projection of the findings ..." Wild guess.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study ..." A totally useless topic suggested by my committee.
Points to Ponder or More Useless Information:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, more than any other creature on earth.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
A cat's urine glows under the blacklight.
I need patience. NOW!
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
Witches' Parking - All others Toad.
I brake for No Apparent Reason.
Hang up and drive!
I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will defend to the end your right to stick it!
My other vehicle is a broom stick.
Prevent inbreeding - ban country music.
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Duval County Jail.
'Smile, I could be behind you!' - on Police Motorcycle license frame- Visalia, CA
Honk if you love Hanson. Then run into a tree.
You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
i souport publik edekasion.
My President slept with your honor student.
Honk if you love N Sync! (then go drive off a cliff)
My karma ran over your dogma.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
"No, YOU suck" - the mean people.
I wonder if you'd drive any better with that car phone up your butt?
Work harder: Millions on welfare depend on you.
Nice front bumper you have there. Shame if something happened to it.
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Forget About World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember...
Horn broken, watch for finger.
Vote Democrat - it's easier than thinking.
I don't drive fast, I fly low.
Honk if you like obscene gestures!
Where are we going and what am I doing in this hand basket?
To keep your kids safe: Love them at home, belt them in the car.
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.
Bad cop. No doughnut.
New Bumper Sticker cropping up in NY (Democrats use the rear bumper - Republicans have it on the front of their cars!) "Run, Hillary, Run."
Born free... Taxed to death.
Honk your brains out, it wont take long.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
I love animals, especially in a good gravy.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
'YES this is my truck. NO I wont help you move.'
Don't upset me - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
So many pedestrians, so little time!
Don't Laugh, your daughter may be in here.
I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
(license plate holder on a 1983 Toyota Tercel) "Undercover Princess"
'Next time wave all your fingers at me!'
You may touch the dust just don't write in it.
Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say: "Honk if..."
If you like my bumper, you'll love my headlights.