Real World Definitions:
- Solicitor: A person that makes sure they get what's coming to you.
- Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
- Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol.
- Psychiatrist: A person who tries to figure out whether an infant has more
- fun in infancy than an adult has in adultery.
- Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
- Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
- Television: The electronic device that alternates between extreme violence
and finding great long-distance rates.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Economist: One who tells you what to do with your money after you've spent
- Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts
and you like it).
- Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard
- Researcher: One who pulls habits out of rats
- Diplomacy: The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way he looks
forward to the trip.
- Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
- Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic
desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.
- Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
- Reality: A crutch for people who can't face drugs.
- Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers.
- Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
- Laziness: Resting before you get tired.
- Civilization: Going from shoeless toes to toeless shoes.
- Air bags: Inflation we can live with.
- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
- Tourist: Someone who goes 3,000 miles to get a picture in front of his car.
- Alarm clock: A device to wake people without small kids.
- Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock.
- Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.
- Aloha Oy: Love, greetings and farewell from such a pain you should never
- Alibi: proof that you were in two places at once.
- Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
- Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're
- Diamond: A chunk of coal that made it under pressure.
- Redundancy is just basically saying something over and over and over again.
- Foreplay: any misrepresentation of yourself for the express purpose of obtaining
- Hope: Enjoyment of the future in advance.
- Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
- Conscience: The inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. - H. L. Mencken
- Slander: To lie, or tell the truth about someone.
- Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting
- Diplomat: A man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers
- Auditor: A person sent in after the battle to stab the wounded.
- Camel: A horse designed by a committee.
- Hospital: Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.
- Cynic: Someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Fashion: That which, while not necessarily beautiful, makes all that preceded
it look silly.
- Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
- Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate bastards
- Committee: The unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
- Worry: The interest you pay on trouble before it comes.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Bank manager: A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining,
and ask for it back when it starts to rain.
- Democracy: Three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
- Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln
- Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
- Expert: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along
knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically
everything about nothing.
- Death: Life's way of saying: You can let go of your ankles now.
- Idealist: One who upon observing that a rose smells better than a cabbage
concludes that it will also make better soup.
- Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work
for the government.
- Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used
to compensate for that short table leg.