Real World Definitions:

• Solicitor: A person that makes sure they get what's coming to you.
• Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
• Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol.
• Psychiatrist: A person who tries to figure out whether an infant has more
• fun in infancy than an adult has in adultery.
• Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
• Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
• Television: The electronic device that alternates between extreme violence and finding great long-distance rates.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Economist: One who tells you what to do with your money after you've spent it.
• Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it).
• Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of.
• Researcher: One who pulls habits out of rats
• Diplomacy: The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way he looks forward to the trip.
• Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
• Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.
• Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
• Reality: A crutch for people who can't face drugs.
• Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers.
• Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• Laziness: Resting before you get tired.
• Civilization: Going from shoeless toes to toeless shoes.
• Air bags: Inflation we can live with.
• Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
• Tourist: Someone who goes 3,000 miles to get a picture in front of his car.
• Alarm clock: A device to wake people without small kids.
• Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock.
• Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.
• Aloha Oy: Love, greetings and farewell from such a pain you should never know.
• Alibi: proof that you were in two places at once.
• Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
• Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.
• Diamond: A chunk of coal that made it under pressure.
• Redundancy is just basically saying something over and over and over again.
• Foreplay: any misrepresentation of yourself for the express purpose of obtaining sex.
• Hope: Enjoyment of the future in advance.
• Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
• Conscience: The inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. - H. L. Mencken
• Slander: To lie, or tell the truth about someone.
• Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
• Diplomat: A man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
• Auditor: A person sent in after the battle to stab the wounded.
• Camel: A horse designed by a committee.
• Hospital: Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.
• Cynic: Someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
• Fashion: That which, while not necessarily beautiful, makes all that preceded it look silly.
• Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
• Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate bastards
• Committee: The unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
• Worry: The interest you pay on trouble before it comes.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Bank manager: A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain.
• Democracy: Three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
• Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln
• Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
• Expert: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
• Death: Life's way of saying: You can let go of your ankles now.
• Idealist: One who upon observing that a rose smells better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup.
• Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.
• Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.